Death on a Hillside
On a hillside, kneeling beside a grave, I carefully arranged wildflowers into the shape of a heart. Although there had been a death, there was no fear or sadness, just a sense that the time had come to say goodbye. Watching within a vision, I understood the one buried there was the girl I had become – one who saw things from a limited perspective and lived in a world colored by false truth. As I rose to leave, I sensed that I could go back and dig her up, or forever leave her behind. She was the shell I’d worn for most of my life, but not the original me.
Much of my living had been affected by the viewpoint of that girl. She sensed that she was lacking something, so she often desired to be filled. She yearned for others to approve her and affirm her worth – the old me. I lived within the falseness, until I gave the Lord access to the deepest parts of my heart.
God, I invite your searching gaze into my heart. Examine me through and through; find out everything that may be hidden within me. Put me to the test and sift through all my anxious cares. See if there is any path of pain I’m walking on, and lead me back to your glorious, everlasting ways – the path that brings me back to you. ~Psalm 139:23-24 (TPT)
Truly, the enemy’s lies had penetrated deeply: I wasn’t good enough, and I’d better keep on striving. I was a shadow, a whisper with nothing to say. Ashamed of my feelings and pain, I struggled to be honest with myself, and others, because I feared rejection. I believed I wasn’t even worthy of the hurt I felt, that others had it far worse than me. It wasn’t until I read Experiencing the Father’s Embrace by Jack Frost, that I realized it was safe to let Jesus and my dear mentors help me look at the lies and deal with the hurts.
Going Through the Storm
I came before the Father and prayed for clean hands and a pure heart, and he tenderly met me where I was. He longed to cleanse me from the false things that I had believed and reveal deep, life-changing truth. While attending one of the week-long schools at Shiloh Place, I found that I was in a safe place to open up my heart. It was there that I learned how to acknowledge the enemy’s lies that had penetrated my soul. I began to see the resulting built-up hurts and how they had influenced the way I lived. Then, I was able to learn how to forgive the people who had played a part, and finally, receive deep, inner-healing. I had become willing to go through the hurt of the falseness that I’d believed for years, to get to the truth.
Eventually, looking across the tumultuous sea, I envisioned the peace waiting for me on the other side. I was nurtured by the truth that God is love, and everything he does comes from that place. Held safe, I could allow the hurts to surface. At times, it felt like Jesus was doing surgery on the deepest places of my heart. I was vulnerable, and it was painful. But, I wanted to be made new more than I wanted to keep the old, false me that had believed and lived within the lies.
The Holy Spirit helped me to confront those lies I’d believed and then replaced them, one by one, with the truth of what the Father said about me. I was not a shadow, I was seen by the One who desired and created me. Not only did he see me, but he delighted in seeing me! Coming through the storm, I began to feel the warmth of the sun and know his love for me.
Back to The Original
Anchored within a place of peace, Holy Spirit brought to mind a picture of me as a six-year-old little girl. He was reminding me of the lovely original that he had created me to be. We buried the false me, and now the original Denae is unbound by the lies of the enemy, free to live as she was designed! She knows she is especially loved by the Father, and chooses to believe that truth, daily.
Do you remember the original you, the little boy or girl who felt so free? Remember running and smiling and needing nothing but friendship from those you played with? The original you was created exactly as designed by the Father, unmarked by the lies of the world. Don’t you want to get back to the original?
Begin by opening your heart to the Lord and really inviting him in. Ask him to reveal the lie and the hurt that you’re ready to trade for truth and healing. It will be painful, but he loves you dearly and will help you. You may want to invite a godly mentor to be with you, to pray with and encourage you. As the hurts surface, forgive the person who caused the pain (This may take time; Jesus will help you). Then, ask the Holy Spirit to reveal the truth. Don't be in a rush, take the time you need to let the truth sink in and become a part of you.
Like me, you’ll have to bury the old you. It is a lifelong process of transforming from death to life. As you leave the old and turn your face toward the sun, you will find the truth, and beauty, and freedom of getting back to the original you.
Oh there is so much to learn! Isn’t it wonderful we have a lifetime to get to know the Father?
Additional resource: Unbound by Trisha Frost.